Published at friendsters blog by: Ck at February 22' 08
What should I do now? Where would I go? What else is there left for me? Why me? Questions that repeating continuously in mind that somehow had been hunting me while asleep. I woke up at four, five, five thirty, six, seven a.m. I guess I was just waiting for somebody to call me or knock at my door to tell me whether a good story had came out. Not until papers had arrived that morning, those short hours that seemed to last forever…
Then again questions popped up. Was I dreaming yesterday? Is it true that..? But at least some of my friends made it? But I still kept bargaining through it…. Overnight these howling voice seemed to be shattering my goals. In times of crisis, I didn’t doubt HIM, I called upon him, but I asked why have you forsaken me? And so at 8 am I opened a book where it says “Failure is another step forward. Failure is paying your dues. If you fail then you needed to fail.” So I said what does this mean? I figured with all the others this has to mean much to me. I held on to it.
Somebody knocked on my door…. Was it worth all the wait? Those changes and sacrifices that I have done not only for myself but to my family as well, just to meet the demands of this course. At first, I considered this as a bitter pill to swallow but the taste became sweeter as I learned many things from it. All this anxiety that builded up with clinical symptoms occurred at times and up to this particular moment.
And so as the door opened, she told me about the……. I felt so sorry, my disappointment only sunk in till this time…and in few seconds I found myself regressing to her like a candy that is taken away from a baby, like a candle melting gradually, a profound emotions as heavy as a storm and seemed so hard to control as it poured. I didn’t know what to do nor how i should get out from that moment. Abyss of fear was overtaking me. I couldn’t speak nor think.
It was tough to swim against strong current, after some hours, I immediately gathered my thoughts…. Should I put up with this, tolerate it and gain control over me or should I focus on the other way around it? I waited patiently not allowing any insignificant artificial means of enjoyment to bear with me (alcohol). Although the worst thought came to me like what if I’ll take these pills that I know, would it make this pain stop? But how about the long term pain my love ones would suffer? I am not this selfish. For my son, it can never occur. I didn’t know what else to think, but only those people mean to me much made me stop from these foolish thoughts.
My savior called in couple of hours, suddenly a new route is made open.
In short hours he answered me. Through her as made instrument, I knew that I wasn’t left alone and another step forward must be taken in order for me to overcome this difficult time. All this has a purpose, could be trial and error as how she described it. I thank them “my family” for unconditional love and understanding. Must be really difficult with out them. But of course GOD knows best for me and I’m willing to wait patiently for my time.
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